Candy Crushed

Hi. I'm Drew. Let's get to work.

Many apps have circulated the app store, from arcade games, to turning on lights, the app store is vast and endless. If you need directions, there's an app for that, if you don't know where to eat, there's an app for that, heck, I'm sure there's even an app for finding apps.

One of the the most prevalent apps out there is Candy Crush. The basic idea is to crush candy, beat levels, and waste your life, all at the same time!

First of all, what kind of monster wants to crush candy. Candy is incredible. WHAT DID CANDY EVER DO TO YOU?!?! Furthermore, if you crush all the candy, how do you expect to bribe little children to do your bidding? What's with all this "I need lives" crap that all crushers of happiness are always saying? It's like, yes, I get it, YOU NEED A LIFE, so stop crushing candy! What? You want to run dentists out of their practices? Shame on you. I've been around dentists and candy all my life and honestly they live in perfect harmony… Like Settlers and Slushies, it's a match made in heaven.

How many marriages have you ruined because someone's spouse is to busy crushing love to pay attention? Or how many kids have been neglected by their parents when all they needed was help with their homework? I personally find the whole game offensive. How could you be so insensitive about crushing candy? Candy has feelings too. I think the game should AT LEAST be rated M for mature audiences who don't have hearts and hate children because they want to crush all of the candy in the world.

On that note, I move that Candy Crap be boycotted. Instead download Flappy Bird! Same amount of addiction and it still makes you want to throw your device after you lose! So great. I mean, all you're doing is trying to keep the bird in the air without hitting green pipes. No levels, no gimmicks, no murdering of candy!


All in all, I'm not trying to judge the people who play Candy Suck but I do pray for your soul every night, before I drink my warm glass of (chocolate) milk, your life might be spared and I think you should repent of your destroying of candy… Also, you're a terrible human being and I hope your thumbs fall off and your phone breaks… And yes, you DO need a life... And next time you go to the dentist all your teeth have cavities and you need braces.

To my people who fight the good fight and have resisted to crush candy, stay strong, you're not alone! I'll leave you with this quote from one of the first Candy Savers.

"If you are a candy crusher, I will attack you with the north."

-Abraham Lincoln

Stay sweet everybody.

-Gust